Friday, September 19, 2014

Why Men Are Never Depressed

Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all  yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too  icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a  bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux  rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation  requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you,  He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You  have  freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas  shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in  25 minutes.
Men Are Just Happier  People
If Laura, Kate and  Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.  If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each  other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
Eating Out:
When the  bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though  it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none  will actually admit they want change back.
When the  girls get their bill, out come the pocket  calculators...YEP!!!
A man will pay $2 for a  $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
A man has six items in  his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of  soap, and a towel.
The average number of  items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to  identify more than 20 of these items.
A woman has the last word in any  argument.
Anything a  man says after that is the beginning of a new  argument.
A woman worries about  the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries  about the future until he gets a wife.
A  woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A  man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up  to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone,  read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for church, weddings and funerals.
Men wake  up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow  deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman  knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and  romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and  dreams.
A man is vaguely aware  of some short people living in the house.
Thought For The Day:
A married  man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering  the same thing!
SO,  send this to the women  who have a sense of humor and who can handle it  ....
and to the men who will  enjoy reading it.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Happy Grandparents Day

Grandparents bestow upon their grandchildren
The strength and wisdom that time
And experience have given them.

Grandchildren bless their Grandparents
With a youthful vitality and innocence
That help them stay young at heart forever.

Together they create a chain of love
Linking the past with the future.
The chain may lengthen,
But it will never part...
~Author Unknown~

What A Difference One Day Makes

In Memory of 9-11-2001

On Monday we emailed jokes.
On Tuesday we did not.

On Monday we thought that we were secure.
On Tuesday we learned better.

On Monday we were talking about heroes as being athletes.
On Tuesday we relearned who our heroes are.

On Monday we were irritated that our rebate checks had not arrived.
On Tuesday we gave money away to people we had never met.

On Monday there were people fighting against praying in schools.
On Tuesday you would have been hard pressed to find a school
where someone was not praying.

On Monday people argued with their kids about picking up their room.
On Tuesday the same people could not get home fast enough to hug their kids.

On Monday people were upset that they had to wait 6 minutes in a fast food
drive through line.
On Tuesday people didn't care about waiting up to 6 hours to give blood for the dying.

On Monday we waved our flags signifying our cultural diversity.
On Tuesday we waved only the American flag.

On Monday there were people trying to separate each other by race,
sex, color and creed.
On Tuesday they were all holding hands.

On Monday we were men or women, black or white, old or young, rich
or poor, gay or straight, Christian or non-Christian.
On Tuesday we were Americans.

On Monday politicians argued about budget surpluses.
On Tuesday grief stricken they sang 'God Bless America'.

On Monday the President was going to Florida to read to children.
On Tuesday he returned to Washington to protect our children.

On Monday we had families.
On Tuesday we had orphans.

On Monday people went to work as usual.
On Tuesday they died.

On Monday people were fighting the 10 commandments on government property.
On Tuesday the same people all said 'God help us all' while thinking 'Thou shall not kill'.

It is sadly ironic how it takes horrific events to place things into perspective, but it has.
The lessons learned that week, the things we have taken for granted, the things
that have been forgotten or overlooked, hopefully will never be forgotten again.

~ author unknown ~

Monday, September 1, 2014

Bad News On 7-1-2014

Here  is  what happened on July 1st 2014:
Top  Income Tax bracket went  from 35%  to 39.6%
Top  Income Payroll Tax went  from 3.74% to 5.22%
Capital  Gains Tax went from  15 % to  28%
Dividend Tax went from 15%  to 39.6%
Estate  Tax went from 0% to 55%
Corporate rates went up and they're leaving the USA.
These  taxes  were all passed under the Affordable Care Act, otherwise known  as ObamaCare.
All  these taxes were passed  with only Democrat votes.  Not one Republican voted for these taxes.

Random Thoughts

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

  6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

 7. Mapquest really needs to start their directions on #5.I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

 10. Bad decisions make good stories.

 11.You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

 14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

 15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

 16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

 17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

 18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the heck do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.