Wednesday, November 21, 2012

"Happy Thanksgiving"

May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump, may your 'tater 'n gravy have narry a lump.

May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize, may your holiday dinner stay off of your thighs.

"Happy Thanksgiving"


Source: Internet

"Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving"

Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving,
But I Just Couldn't Sleep.
I Tried Counting Backwards,
I Tried Counting Sheep.

The Leftovers Beckoned -
The Dark Meat And White,
But I Fought The Temptation
With All Of My Might.

Tossing And Turning With Anticipation,
The Thought Of A Snack Became Infatuation.
So, I Raced To The Kitchen, Flung Open The Door,
And Gazed At The Fridge, Full Of Goodies Galore.
Gobbled Up Turkey And Buttered Potatoes,
Pickles And Carrots, Beans And Tomatoes.

I Felt Myself Swelling So Plump And So Round,
'Til All Of A Sudden, I Rose Off The Ground.
I Crashed Through The Ceiling, Floating Into The Sky,
With A Mouthful Of Pudding And A Handful Of Pie..
But, I Managed To Yell As I Soared Past The Trees....
Happy Eating To All - Pass The Cranberries, Please. ~~unknown

Monday, November 19, 2012

Butterball Turkey's Hotline

A woman called the turkey hotline to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside."

Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!

Roasting a turkey doesn't have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called "Turkey Central" for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.

Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, "How do you thaw a fresh turkey?" The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-time takes twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence.

Source: Internet

Redneck Thanksgiving

You Might Be A Redneck If:

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

Source: Internet

Thursday, November 15, 2012


Chrysanthemums are the most popular plants sold between the months of August and November.

The chrysanthemum was first introduced into the United States during colonial times. Three hundred years later, its popularity has grown such, that mums now reign as undisputed "Queen of the Fall Flowers.

For many of us in the South, our introduction to the chrysanthemum was a corsage at Homecoming football games.

Follow these steps to increase the chances that your potted mums will survive the winter:

1. Water mums daily while they're blooming. The potted mums you buy in the fall dry out quickly since they are usually top heavy with bloom and have a relatively small amount of roots. Keeping the soil moist will help plants stay healthy until you are ready to plant them.

2. Get mums out of their pots and into the ground soon after purchase. This gives the roots the maximum amount of time to become established before a hard freeze. If you prefer to display mums in the pots they came in, plant them promptly once their flower display is done.

3. Don’t cut back the foliage of mums in the fall. The above-ground growth offers the plant an extra layer of winter protection. It also serves as a good reminder in the spring to search for any healthy new root growth under the ground. If you feel you must trim off something, remove the spent flowers only, but leave the rest of the plant alone.

4. Provide mums with a generous layer of a light mulch as soon as the ground freezes. Mounding pine needles, straw or evergreens around the plant will help prevent the roots from heaving out of the ground during repeated freeze/thaw cycles. If using leaves, be sure they are shredded so they won't form a soggy mat over the plant.

5. Try to create a microclimate in which the plants will be protected from winter winds. A location on the south side of a building or other sheltered spot is ideal. You can also protect potted mums by planting them in a cold frame.

6. Continue watering mums even after their blooms have faded to encourage new root growth. Keep in mind however, that mums demand good drainage. They will not survive the winter if planted in soggy soil.

Source: Internet

Sunday, November 11, 2012


When the kids are will be different. The memo pad on my refrigerator door will read,


When the kids are grown....the house will be free of graffiti. There will be no crayoned smiley faces on the walls, no names scrawled in furniture dust, no pictures fingered on steamy windows, and no initials etched in bars of soap


When the kids are grown....I'll get through a whole chapter of an engrossing book without being interrupted to sew a nose on a teddy bear, stop a toddler from eating the dog food, or rescue the cat from the toy box.


When the kids are grown....I won't find brown apple cores under the beds, empty spindles on the toilet paper hanger, or fuzzy caterpillars in denim jeans. And I will be able to find a pencil in the desk drawer, a slice of left over pie in the fridge, and the comics still in the center of the newspaper.


When the kids are grown....I'll breeze right past the gumball machine in the supermarkets without having to fumble for pennies; I'll stroll freely down each aisle without fear of inadvertently passing the candy or toy sections; and I'll choose cereal without considering what noise it makes, what prize it contains, or what color it comes in.


When the kids are grown...I'll prepare Quiche Loraine, or Scallops Amandine, or just plain liver and onions, and no one will say, "Yuk! I wish we were having hot dogs!" or "Jimmy's lucky, his mom lets him eat chocolate bars for dinner." And we'll eat by candle light, with no one trying to roast their peas and carrots over the flame to "make them taste better", or arguing about who gets to blow out the candles when we're done.


When the kids are grown...I'll get ready for my bath without first having to remove a fleet of boats, two rubber alligators, and a soggy tennis ball from the tub. I'll luxuriate in hot, steamy water and billows of bubbles for a whole hour, and no fists will pound on the door, no small voices will yell, "Hurry up mommy! I gotta go!"


when the kids are will be different. They'll leave our nest, and the house will be quiet....and calm....and empty....and lonely....and I won't like it at all! And then I'll spend time, not looking to SOMEDAY
but looking back at YESTERDAY.


Source: Internet

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Raising Boys

I scrub the wall of fingerprints,
Pick up the mounds of clothes.
I sweep the dirt that shoes track in-
Wish I could use a hose!

Meals are served from dawn to dark,
Dirty dishes crowd the sink.
Just when they're washed and put away-
Everyone wants a drink!

The washer pulls the dirty grime
From pants worn thin and patched.
They look so very neat and clean-
Yuck, look what the pockets hatched!

Broken bones and bloody knees,
I should have been a nurse.
I take it all in shaky stride-
Just grateful it's not worse!
Screams and shouts and arguments
Test the keeping of my cool.
They left the neighbour's faucet on-
See their new front yard pool!

A soothing bath is ecstasy,
A reward at the end of my rope.
Raising boys isn't really bad-
But first I must wash the soap!

A rose can say I Love You,
Orchids can enthral;
But a weed bouquet in a chubby fist,
Oh my, that says it all!

by Roberta I. Teague

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Redneck Etiquette


While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys. (NOTE: Keys must also be cleaned regularly, because ear wax buildup can short circuit a starter switch.)

Brushing & Flossing

Scientists have proven that the use of a toothbrush(and toothpaste when available) can help people keep their teeth into their thirties and even beyond. Dental floss, the modern equivalent of broom straw, is also helpful. A lightweight monofilament
fishing line works just as well. Remove lures first.

Manicures and Pedicures:

Dirt and grease under the nails is a social no no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. Corns and calluses can be removed using a common potato peeler, remember never to cut against the grain.

Hair Care


Contrary to popular belief, dandruff is not an incurable disease. Rubbing motor oil
into the scalp once a week will turn the flakes dark and then they will not be noticeable.

If you can't afford hair tonic, brake fluid holds the hair in place and gives it
a dark, Elvis like sheen.


While a tall hive of hair is the current rage, it can be an open invitation to bees and hornets. A 50/50 mixture of Black Flag and hairspray can prove to be a girl's best summertime friend.


When approaching a four way stop, remember that the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, remember that it is impolite to ask her to bring back a beer.

Remember that the median is not a passing lane.

Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

Source: Internet