Old Speeders

An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the
highway patrol. The officer said,
"Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks,
"What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband and asked,
"What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.

The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas.
I spent some time there once and went on a blind date
with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked,
"What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

Source: Internet

Test for Dementia

Below are four (4) questions You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first,

then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last,

then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this! Are you?

Third Question:

Very tricky math!

Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20.

Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters:

1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again

Hmmm! didn't do very well did you??

A Comforting Thought

There's a comforting thought
At the close of the day,
When I'm weary and lonely and sad,
That sort of grips hold of my crusty old heart
And bids it be merry and glad.

It gets in my soul and drives out the blues,
And finally thrills through and through.
It is just a sweet memory that chants the refrain,
"I'm glad for good friends like you!"

God chooses our relatives.

We choose our friends.

I'm thankful I chose you!

Source: Internet

Rainbows

Source: Internet

Retirement

So you're a senior citizen now,
Well, congratulations friend!
You've reached the point of no return,
The beginning of the end.

You know, it's all downhill from here,
At least that's what they say.
No job, no boss, no work to do,
And don't forget -- no pay!

You're on what's called a "fixed income",
As much as they allow.
Mine wasn't broke, I told them so,
But they fixed it anyhow!

And oh yes, another thing,
You'll be eating cheaper now.
Won't have to buy delicious foods,
Can't eat them anyhow.

The doctors say, "You watch your weight!"
"Your cholesterol's too high!"
And you need to get that pressure down,
Or else you're gonna die!

And many other benefits, We didn't talk about,
Bifocals, bunions, "Meals on Wheels",
It's enough to make you shout!

So have fun, enjoy and laugh a lot.
No need of being blue.
You've waited all your life for this,
And now it's all come true.

So, cheer up friend, as you join in,
And don't be sad or glum.
Just grin and bear it best you can,
The worst is yet to come!

Source: Internet

The Bus Ride

A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only.
The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying
a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the
man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket
was above the man's head.

Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her.
She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance.

Soon the picnic basket began to leak.
The man felt something drop on top of his head.
As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down
across his lips. He tasted it, looked up at
the lady and asked, "Pickles?"

She replied, "No, no, puppies....."

Source: Internet

If I Had My Life To Live Over

I would have invited friends over to dinner
even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the "GOOD"
living room and worried much less about the dirt
when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to
my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be
rolled up on a summer day because my hair
had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted
like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children
and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while
watching television and more while watching life.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead
of pretending the earth would go into a holding
pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just
because it was practical, wouldn't show soil
or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never
have said, Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love yous"
and more "I'm sorry's"; .....but mostly,
given another shot at life,
I would seize every minute.....
look at it and really see it ...
live it ... and never give it back.

Erma Bombeck

Source: Internet