A Letter From My Redneck Cousin

Dear Billy Joe,

I'm writin this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast.

We don't live where we did when you left, we read that most accidents
happen within 10 miles of home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you our new address cause the last family that
lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have
to change their address.

This here new place has a washing machine. The first time mama used
it she put in four shirts and pulled the chain and we ain't seen them since.

It only rained here twice this week. Three days the first time and
five days the second time. 

I know it is cold where you are so we're sending you a coat.  Mama said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with them buttons on it, so we cut 'em off and put 'em in the pockets.

My sister had a baby this morning. I ain't heard whether it's a boy or girl
so I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.

We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don't make
the last payment on the funeral bill, up she comes!

Uncle John fell in the big whiskey vat. When they tried to pull
him out, he fought them off, so he drowned. 

We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of my friends went off the bridge in a pick up truck. One was driving, the  other two was in the back. The driver got out cause he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Well, I hope this catches you up on things that are going on around here.

Your cuz,

Bubba