Good News and Bad News

Bob gets a call from his doctor with the results of his blood test.
"I've got bad news and worse news," says the doctor.
"The bad news is that you've only got 24 hours to live."
"Oh no!" says Bob. "That's terrible, how can it get any worse than that?"
"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

Two old guys wonder if there's baseball in Heaven, and promise each other that the first to die will somehow let the other know. A week later one of them dies. And a week after that, his
 friend recognizes his voice coming from the clouds. "Joe, I've got some good news and some
bad news," the disembodied voice reports. "The good news is that there is a baseball team
in Heaven. the bad news is that you're pitching on Friday."

A man with a worried look on his face ran into a clinic and asked the doctor if he knew a way
to stop the hiccups. Without any warning, the doctor slapped him in the face. Amazed and angry,
the young man demanded the doctor explain his unusual behavior. "Well," said the doctor, "You don't have the hiccups now, do you?" "No," answered the young man, but my wife out in the car still does!"

The Girl And The Upturn

A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn." asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'" "You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her. "Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."  "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination,  examination; fraternity, maternity....What's the difference?  All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."