Have You Ever Noticed:

If you are doing something messy, like kneading dough or working on
the car....your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

If you drop something small like any tool, nut, bolt, screw, thimble, thread,
needle it will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

If you dial a wrong number,
you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

If you change lines in a store or lanes on the highway,
the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES
dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle,
always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times
to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end
of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats
come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies
and stay to the bitter end of the performance. 

The aisle people also are very surly folk.

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor,
are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!!

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor,
by the time you get there you'll feel better..
But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Meanings

Standing for what you believe in,
Regardless of the odds against you,
and the pressure that tears at your resistance,
...means courage

Keeping a smile on your face,
When inside you feel like dying,
For the sake of supporting others,
...means strength

Stopping at nothing,
And doing what's in your heart,
You know is right,
...means determination

Doing more than is expected,
To make another's life a little more bearable,
Without uttering a single complaint,
...means compassion

Helping a friend in need,
No matter the time or effort,
To the best of your ability,
...means loyalty

Giving more than you have,
And expecting nothing
But nothing in return,
...means selflessness

Holding your head high,
And being the best you know you can be
When life seems to fall apart at your feet,
Facing each difficulty with the confidence
That time will bring you better tomorrows,
And never giving up,
...means confidence.

~Author Unknown~

A Letter From A Farm Kid

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.

Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Attorney's Advice ~ No Charge

A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company.

1. The next time you order checks have only your initials (instead of first name) and last name put on them. If someone takes your checkbook, they will not know if you sign your checks with just your initials or your first name, but your bank will know how you sign your checks.

2. Do not sign the back of your credit cards.   Instead, put "PHOTO ID REQUIRED".

3. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on the "For" line. Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check processing channels won't have access to it.

4. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO Box, use your work address.  Never have your SS# printed on your checks. You can add it if it is necessary.  But if you have it printed, anyone can get it.

5. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel.  Keep the photocopy in a safe place.  I also carry a photocopy of my passport when I travel either here or abroad.  We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, credit cards.

Unfortunately I, an attorney, have firsthand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know:


1. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call.  Keep those where you can find them.


2. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your credit cards, etc., was stolen. This proves to credit providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).


But here's what is perhaps most important of all:  (I never even thought to do this.)

3. Call the 3 national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and Social Security number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen, and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit.

By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done.  There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert.  Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in).  It seems to have stopped them dead in their tracks.


Now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet, etc., has been stolen:



   1.) Social Security Administration (fraud             line):              1-800-269-0271
  2.) Equifax:  1-800-525-6285
  3.) Experian (formerly TRW):
        1-888-397-3742
  4.) Trans Union : 1-800-680-7289

The White Lie Cake

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this....especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.....  

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30 and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.

Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having all ready RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

WD-40 Well, Who Knew...?

I had a neighbor who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I'm impressed! WD-40 who knew?

Water Displacement #40. The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.

Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.

When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.

Here are some of the uses:

 1) Protects silver from tarnishing.
 2) Removes road tar and grime from cars.
 3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
 4) Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery.
 5) Keeps flies off cows.
 6) Restores and cleans chalkboards.
 7) Removes lipstick stains.
 8) Loosens stubborn zippers.
 9) Untangles jewelry chains.
10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12) Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13) Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14) Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16) Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19) Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21) Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22) Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26) Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30) Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31) Removes splattered grease on stove.
32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35) Removes all traces of duct tape.
36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37) Florida's favorite use is: "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers."
38) The favorite use in the state of New York WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39) WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no   time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40) Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42) Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
43) If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.P. S. The basic ingredient is FISH OIL.

The Teacher Applicant:

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said:
"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.
I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.
Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.
All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to do all of this and then you tell me...
I CAN'T PRAY IN SCHOOL?!

Word Of Wisdom Of Steven Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said:  "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse get ' s the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And my all time favorite-

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

A Letter From My Redneck Cousin

Dear Billy Joe,

I'm writin this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast.

We don't live where we did when you left, we read that most accidents
happen within 10 miles of home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you our new address cause the last family that
lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have
to change their address.

This here new place has a washing machine. The first time mama used
it she put in four shirts and pulled the chain and we ain't seen them since.

It only rained here twice this week. Three days the first time and
five days the second time. 

I know it is cold where you are so we're sending you a coat.  Mama said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with them buttons on it, so we cut 'em off and put 'em in the pockets.

My sister had a baby this morning. I ain't heard whether it's a boy or girl
so I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.

We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don't make
the last payment on the funeral bill, up she comes!

Uncle John fell in the big whiskey vat. When they tried to pull
him out, he fought them off, so he drowned. 

We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of my friends went off the bridge in a pick up truck. One was driving, the  other two was in the back. The driver got out cause he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Well, I hope this catches you up on things that are going on around here.

Your cuz,

Bubba

Hooked On Ebonics

Leroy is a 20 year old ninth grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. foreclose: If I pay alimony dis month, I won't have no money foreclose.

19. distress: I say, "Come on girl, put on distress and let's go, I be hongry."

2. rectum: I had two Cadillacs, but my girl done rectum both.

3. hotel: I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody.

4. disappointment: My parole officer tol me if I mis disappointment they gonna send me to the big house again.

5. penis: I went to da doctor and he gave me a cup and said, "penis."

6. Israel: Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex. I said, "Man that looks fake," but he said, "Bullcrap, that watch Israel."

7. catacomb: Don King was at the fight the other night...man, somebody ought to give that catacomb.

8. undermine: There's a fine lookin' ho dat lives in the apartment undermine.

9. acoustic: When I was liddle, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall.

10. Iraq: When we got to da pool hall, I tol my uncle, "Iraq - you break."

11. stain: My mother-in-law stopped by an I axed her, "Are you stain for dinner."

12. seldom: My cousin gave me two tickets to the 49er games, so I seldom.

13. honor: At the rape trial, da judge axed my homey, "Who be honor first?"

14. odyssey: I tol my brother, "You odyssey the knockers on that one."

15. axe: The pigs wanted to axe me some questions.

16. Tripoli: I was gonna buy my girl a bra for her birthday, but I couldn't find a Tripoli.

17. fortify: I axed da ho, "How much?" She say, "Fortify."

18. income: I just got in bed wif da ho, and income my wife.