Source: Internet
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Retirement
So you're a senior citizen now,
Well, congratulations friend!
You've reached the point of no return,
The beginning of the end.
You know, it's all downhill from here,
At least that's what they say.
No job, no boss, no work to do,
And don't forget -- no pay!
You're on what's called a "fixed income",
As much as they allow.
Mine wasn't broke, I told them so,
But they fixed it anyhow!
And oh yes, another thing,
You'll be eating cheaper now.
Won't have to buy delicious foods,
Can't eat them anyhow.
The doctors say, "You watch your weight!"
"Your cholesterol's too high!"
And you need to get that pressure down,
Or else you're gonna die!
And many other benefits, We didn't talk about,
Bifocals, bunions, "Meals on Wheels",
It's enough to make you shout!
So have fun, enjoy and laugh a lot.
No need of being blue.
You've waited all your life for this,
And now it's all come true.
So, cheer up friend, as you join in,
And don't be sad or glum.
Just grin and bear it best you can,
The worst is yet to come!
Source: Internet
Well, congratulations friend!
You've reached the point of no return,
The beginning of the end.
You know, it's all downhill from here,
At least that's what they say.
No job, no boss, no work to do,
And don't forget -- no pay!
You're on what's called a "fixed income",
As much as they allow.
Mine wasn't broke, I told them so,
But they fixed it anyhow!
And oh yes, another thing,
You'll be eating cheaper now.
Won't have to buy delicious foods,
Can't eat them anyhow.
The doctors say, "You watch your weight!"
"Your cholesterol's too high!"
And you need to get that pressure down,
Or else you're gonna die!
And many other benefits, We didn't talk about,
Bifocals, bunions, "Meals on Wheels",
It's enough to make you shout!
So have fun, enjoy and laugh a lot.
No need of being blue.
You've waited all your life for this,
And now it's all come true.
So, cheer up friend, as you join in,
And don't be sad or glum.
Just grin and bear it best you can,
The worst is yet to come!
Source: Internet
Friday, August 24, 2012
The Bus Ride
A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only.
The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying
a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the
man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket
was above the man's head.
Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her.
She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance.
Soon the picnic basket began to leak.
The man felt something drop on top of his head.
As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down
across his lips. He tasted it, looked up at
the lady and asked, "Pickles?"
She replied, "No, no, puppies....."
Source: Internet
The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying
a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the
man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket
was above the man's head.
Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her.
She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance.
Soon the picnic basket began to leak.
The man felt something drop on top of his head.
As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down
across his lips. He tasted it, looked up at
the lady and asked, "Pickles?"
She replied, "No, no, puppies....."
Source: Internet
If I Had My Life To Live Over
I would have invited friends over to dinner
even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the "GOOD"
living room and worried much less about the dirt
when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to
my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be
rolled up on a summer day because my hair
had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted
like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children
and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while
watching television and more while watching life.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead
of pretending the earth would go into a holding
pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just
because it was practical, wouldn't show soil
or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never
have said, Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love yous"
and more "I'm sorry's"; .....but mostly,
given another shot at life,
I would seize every minute.....
look at it and really see it ...
live it ... and never give it back.
Erma Bombeck
Source: Internet
even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the "GOOD"
living room and worried much less about the dirt
when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to
my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be
rolled up on a summer day because my hair
had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted
like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children
and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while
watching television and more while watching life.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead
of pretending the earth would go into a holding
pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just
because it was practical, wouldn't show soil
or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never
have said, Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love yous"
and more "I'm sorry's"; .....but mostly,
given another shot at life,
I would seize every minute.....
look at it and really see it ...
live it ... and never give it back.
Erma Bombeck
Source: Internet
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Redneck Olympics
Skipping Rocks
The oldest and most traditional of all Redneck games.
The heavy-weight division is most popular, as contestants try to skip bricks.
Flinging
Originated by an ancient Redneck trying to clean his yard. A great fling is not only a beautiful thing to sound of something breaking.
Rowing
Not the most popular sport because most Rednecks agree that, "If you can't afford a motor, you can't afford a boat."
Long Jump
This sport is a Redneck favorite, since they all own numerous sets of jumper cables and all their vehicles have dead or dying batteries.
Hog Calling
The good ones can bring a sow into Times Square using only their voice. The great ones are often victims of sexual assault by live pork.
Tracking
We're not talking about anything as sissy as following a blood trail. A good tracker can trail a grasshopper down the interstate. A favorite put down in this sport is,
"You couldn't track a slug across a sheet of glass."
Field Hockey
Who can run the farthest through a cow pasture without stepping in "you know what." A real exciting game when played at night with flashlights.
Bush Hogging For Distance
Put her in drive and hold on tight! A blatant disregard for personal property is an essential for this game.
2x4 Relay
Originated at night on construction sites by people looking to enlarge their homes at budget prices.
Source: Internet
The oldest and most traditional of all Redneck games.
The heavy-weight division is most popular, as contestants try to skip bricks.
Flinging
Originated by an ancient Redneck trying to clean his yard. A great fling is not only a beautiful thing to sound of something breaking.
Rowing
Not the most popular sport because most Rednecks agree that, "If you can't afford a motor, you can't afford a boat."
Long Jump
This sport is a Redneck favorite, since they all own numerous sets of jumper cables and all their vehicles have dead or dying batteries.
Hog Calling
The good ones can bring a sow into Times Square using only their voice. The great ones are often victims of sexual assault by live pork.
Tracking
We're not talking about anything as sissy as following a blood trail. A good tracker can trail a grasshopper down the interstate. A favorite put down in this sport is,
"You couldn't track a slug across a sheet of glass."
Field Hockey
Who can run the farthest through a cow pasture without stepping in "you know what." A real exciting game when played at night with flashlights.
Bush Hogging For Distance
Put her in drive and hold on tight! A blatant disregard for personal property is an essential for this game.
2x4 Relay
Originated at night on construction sites by people looking to enlarge their homes at budget prices.
Source: Internet
Women vs Men
A store that sells potential husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids,and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking
and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A new potential wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Source: Internet
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids,and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking
and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A new potential wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Source: Internet
Finish This Proverb...,
A grade school teacher collected well known
proverbs. She gave each child in her class
the first half of a proverb and asked them to come
up with the remainder of the proverb.
Better to be safe than punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the bug is close.
It's always darkest before daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of termites.
You can lead a horse to water but how?
Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
No news is impossible.
A miss is as good as a Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
Love all, trust me.
The pen is mightier than the pigs.
An idle mind is the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's pollution.
Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
A penny saved is not much.
Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
When the blind leadeth the blind get out of the way.
Source: Internet
proverbs. She gave each child in her class
the first half of a proverb and asked them to come
up with the remainder of the proverb.
Better to be safe than punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the bug is close.
It's always darkest before daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of termites.
You can lead a horse to water but how?
Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
No news is impossible.
A miss is as good as a Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
Love all, trust me.
The pen is mightier than the pigs.
An idle mind is the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's pollution.
Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
A penny saved is not much.
Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
When the blind leadeth the blind get out of the way.
Source: Internet